what is 'butch', precious?

[merelydovely]

During the pandemic lockdown, myself and Mr. Dove would regularly pick things up from Costco for our more-at-risk parents, and, for reasons that don't need exploring at this juncture, this meant I came to have in my possession a pack of medium men's undershirts, black, abandoned by my mother.

They're "men's" in that they have a crew neck. I'm not sure if there are any other differences - maybe the shoulder seam is further out, maybe the side seam is more straight, maybe the sleeve is looser, the armscye bigger.

But whatever the minute differences, the way they make me feel when I see myself in the mirror is honestly pretty jarring, like, oh BOY, that person is wearing a MAN'S SHIRT!!! Trying to look like a MAN!!! in a way that, say, wearing Mr. Dove's button-downs or sweaters does not trigger. This is a men's cut but it's my size, not an overlarge "boyfriend sweater" that looks borrowed.

It feels weird but...kind of exciting? Like, oh, hey, butching up on purpose might be...fun???

As a very tall girl-child, I often struggled with not feeling feminine enough all through my puberty years; if I looked masculine it was always unintentional and unwanted. All of my most beloved outfit splurges are on extremely feminine stuff: a Ren Faire corset & tapestry dress, a bright red 1850s London corset dress, a slinky bejeweled backless dress that was the first time I ever put down more than $100 on a clothing item (I just wanted to go the ball at Fanime and I wanted to show of my Riza Hawkeye temporary tattoo, hence, backless dress), and most recently an absurdly expensive over-embroidered Johnny Was dress to support my friend in front of her snobby over-dressed in-laws. I love being feminine. Masculine is usually my fail state. BUT. Maybe if I do it on purpose, it doesn't have to be?

I have started going to swing dance lessons on Mondays and Fridays (West Coast on Mondays, East Coast on Fridays) and the East Coast class is usually lacking leads, so I've been learning to dance the lead role. Then there's a dance "party" afterwards where anyone can ask anyone else to dance, and because I'm a woman, male leads ask me to dance on the assumption that I'm a follow. So at least once I experimented with intentionally butching up a little for Friday's class - pants, button-down over my black crew-neck, "man bun" hairstyle. It ended up being for naught because they were lacking follows that night and I switched roles again to compensate, but...I think I should do it again.

"Gender sprinkles", as they say.

I would love to hear any musings you have to offer on butchness, reclaiming masculinity, or your own small moments of unexpected gender expression, whatever those may be!

Comments

[alasse_irena]

You're right, I've always seen you as a very femme person! I hope you find your butch adventure fun & fulfilling.

I'm very interested in other people's gender/fashion journeys, I guess out of a kind of envy? I've always had a lot of weird heebie jeebies about femininity. Like I like womanhood, I'm chill being a woman, but the idea of doing a lot of that femme decoration stuff (make up, heels, removing body hair, all of that looking pretty and put-together stuff) makes my skin crawl.

I too was a tall and awkward girl-child, and I grew up feeling like other people had been given the girl fashion manual while I was somewhere else. My default dress style is "what's the bare minimum I can do to be acceptable for this social situation?" Which leads to me being perceived as butch sometimes, because people see the absence of femininity as intentional masculinity.

I think about this a lot, because all my friends seem to have reached a point where they're having fun with fashion/self-preservation as an avenue for queer joy and exploration, but it's not a joy I've really been able to find yet. I find it really hard to separate "I'm using clothing to explore an aspect of myself" from "I'm trying to impress/seduce/show off to other people", and I don't really enjoy doing the second one.

Idk there's a bunch of thoughts for you.

[stormehowl]

I'm non-binary and consider myself gender-less. I adore androgyny personally. I fail in fashion to achieve this. But it is the goal. I do love to wear a dress but this is for comfort reasons mostly. But most often I try to cling to my nostalgia of the 90s grunge era of my teen-hood. I felt most comfortable during that period of development because I was able to embrace a sense of androgyny and it was fashionably acceptable too.

The gender neutral styles of the 90s have returned in a big way and I have been picking up some things sometimes that I find and adding it back into my clothes now. It's strangely empowering.

[sunshine304]

It’s great that you’re having fun playing around with this! :D

I don’t consider myself very feminine – I only wear trousers and having to wear a dress for friends’ weddings was kind of weird. Not bad weird, at least. XD I used to wear more make up, especially eye make up, but a) I’ve become more and more lazy in the mornings and rather sleep longer than spend a lot of time on stuff like that, and b) my allergies tend to affect my eyes as well, resulting in pain as if there’s a hair in my eye. Rubbing the eyes makes it even worse and I’m in pain the whole day. Make up usually made this worse so I only do that now for special occasions.


I do have some low-collar shirts though that I really like. :D And I have several pairs of fancy boots with high heels that I usually wear when I don’t have to stand for a long time. XD Not real open high heels though, wouldn’t know what to wear them for.

I can imagine myself in dresses though, but more the historical kind – the wide skirts, perhaps a bit of corset etc. That would be fun if my friends were really into celebrating carnival, I’d go for that.


Actually, I do own mens’ clothes: some cargo shorts I’d gotten for my holiday trip to Spain! I’d gone shopping with a friend who also wanted some knee-length shorts but didn’t find anything she liked in the womens’ section. The fit was weird, there were no pockets (!) or she didn’t like the colour/pattern. Usually, it was the fit, as she’s also rather tall with a straight waist. Frustrated, we went over to the mens’ section because they had that kind of laid-back, comfy cargo style in unobtrusive colours she’d envisioned. I also bought one for me because I liked the style and they were indeed comfy! :D

[goodbyebird]

"Gender sprinkles", I haven't heard that one before. What an excellent term! And it seems you've really stumbled across something that truly suits you :D

Being naturally curvy from Junior High and out, I always came across as femme without any input. I am very much a low to zero effort person when it comes to clothing. I just want it to be comfortable to wear and I'm good.

There are a few items that stand out, but that's because they're either noisy/jingly in some way, or it has a texture I really enjoy to it. Whenever I'm clothes shopping it's the feel of the fabric first, and then second it's the color. Not much bothered by fit tbh.

[stultiloquentia]

Yeah, sexy butch t-shirts!

The first time I realized I had choices about any of this stuff beyond, like, pants vs. skirt, was in the mid-nineties, age 15, when I was practicing with my chamber quartet on a grassy lawn on a hot day, and noticed the cellist's hairy legs under her skirt. Tiny mind blown.

The aesthetic I'm attracted to revolves around some loose concept of "competence." Handsome, fitted, practical, cuts I can move in, boots I can run in. Neutral to soft butch, I guess? I often get grumpy trying to shop for the colours I want, because most years all my favourite heathery autumnals are in the men's section, and I am a wiry 5'6".

So for me, a cis woman, the few slinky dresses in the back of the closet are my gender sprinkles. Every few years I am invited to a wedding or something, and take a certain pleasure in strapping on my heels (well padded with moleskin) and sashaying around, like, "Hee hee hee, betcha didn't know I could!"