what is 'butch', precious?

[merelydovely]

During the pandemic lockdown, myself and Mr. Dove would regularly pick things up from Costco for our more-at-risk parents, and, for reasons that don't need exploring at this juncture, this meant I came to have in my possession a pack of medium men's undershirts, black, abandoned by my mother.

They're "men's" in that they have a crew neck. I'm not sure if there are any other differences - maybe the shoulder seam is further out, maybe the side seam is more straight, maybe the sleeve is looser, the armscye bigger.

But whatever the minute differences, the way they make me feel when I see myself in the mirror is honestly pretty jarring, like, oh BOY, that person is wearing a MAN'S SHIRT!!! Trying to look like a MAN!!! in a way that, say, wearing Mr. Dove's button-downs or sweaters does not trigger. This is a men's cut but it's my size, not an overlarge "boyfriend sweater" that looks borrowed.

It feels weird but...kind of exciting? Like, oh, hey, butching up on purpose might be...fun???

As a very tall girl-child, I often struggled with not feeling feminine enough all through my puberty years; if I looked masculine it was always unintentional and unwanted. All of my most beloved outfit splurges are on extremely feminine stuff: a Ren Faire corset & tapestry dress, a bright red 1850s London corset dress, a slinky bejeweled backless dress that was the first time I ever put down more than $100 on a clothing item (I just wanted to go the ball at Fanime and I wanted to show of my Riza Hawkeye temporary tattoo, hence, backless dress), and most recently an absurdly expensive over-embroidered Johnny Was dress to support my friend in front of her snobby over-dressed in-laws. I love being feminine. Masculine is usually my fail state. BUT. Maybe if I do it on purpose, it doesn't have to be?

I have started going to swing dance lessons on Mondays and Fridays (West Coast on Mondays, East Coast on Fridays) and the East Coast class is usually lacking leads, so I've been learning to dance the lead role. Then there's a dance "party" afterwards where anyone can ask anyone else to dance, and because I'm a woman, male leads ask me to dance on the assumption that I'm a follow. So at least once I experimented with intentionally butching up a little for Friday's class - pants, button-down over my black crew-neck, "man bun" hairstyle. It ended up being for naught because they were lacking follows that night and I switched roles again to compensate, but...I think I should do it again.

"Gender sprinkles", as they say.

I would love to hear any musings you have to offer on butchness, reclaiming masculinity, or your own small moments of unexpected gender expression, whatever those may be!

Comments

[stormehowl]

I'm non-binary and consider myself gender-less. I adore androgyny personally. I fail in fashion to achieve this. But it is the goal. I do love to wear a dress but this is for comfort reasons mostly. But most often I try to cling to my nostalgia of the 90s grunge era of my teen-hood. I felt most comfortable during that period of development because I was able to embrace a sense of androgyny and it was fashionably acceptable too.

The gender neutral styles of the 90s have returned in a big way and I have been picking up some things sometimes that I find and adding it back into my clothes now. It's strangely empowering.