I typed out an entire reply Nd then realized that my current girlfriend is *not* my first f/f relationship. TW for summary discussion of mild sexual assault below. Apologies for the wall of text! 😅
My first one was me getting involved with a married couple, half of which is more technically genderqueer but who expresses herself (using her preferred pronouns here) in a largely feminine way. I personally had zero expectations except “aaa someone likes me I have a relationship,” but there was a VERY clear expectation on her end that we would Just Work Out naturally. Problematically, she was an enabler for her husband, who was...um, not great. Nothing severe ever happened to me, but there was a lot of lack of consent and general me being overwhelmed and feeling pressure to keep saying yes, because queer relationships are automatically good, right?
Wrong.
And she never helped, because our part of the relationship was Fine so why was I worried? We also never addressed her consent issues with regard to me—and it’s only recently I’ve admitted they happened, after spending a YEAR defending her out of the misguided assumption that a fellow queer woman could never do something like THAT. So the expectation of “queer=no work” was present. Oddly enough, with all of us dealing with at least one mental disorder, work was expected with regard to navigating mental health in relationships, but our relationship as women faced pressure FROM HER to be perfect. When it got tangled up with his behavior, things just...crashed. Hard, because fluffland isn’t a realistic expectation. I still don’t talk about this much because I’m concerned about stigma surrounding a failed relationship between women. (Disclaimer: I am also genderfluid but raised female, so take that for what it’s worth.)
Heading into my current relationship, I was ducking neurotic about communication and not just assuming things would work out. We may be women but both of us are very human. Messy emotions happen, you know? Mistakes get made and I’m pleased to have the chance to fix them. I expect to be in a relationship with a person, not a caricature of a person that queer women seem to be expected to be.
no subject
I typed out an entire reply Nd then realized that my current girlfriend is *not* my first f/f relationship. TW for summary discussion of mild sexual assault below. Apologies for the wall of text! 😅
My first one was me getting involved with a married couple, half of which is more technically genderqueer but who expresses herself (using her preferred pronouns here) in a largely feminine way. I personally had zero expectations except “aaa someone likes me I have a relationship,” but there was a VERY clear expectation on her end that we would Just Work Out naturally. Problematically, she was an enabler for her husband, who was...um, not great. Nothing severe ever happened to me, but there was a lot of lack of consent and general me being overwhelmed and feeling pressure to keep saying yes, because queer relationships are automatically good, right?
Wrong.
And she never helped, because our part of the relationship was Fine so why was I worried? We also never addressed her consent issues with regard to me—and it’s only recently I’ve admitted they happened, after spending a YEAR defending her out of the misguided assumption that a fellow queer woman could never do something like THAT. So the expectation of “queer=no work” was present. Oddly enough, with all of us dealing with at least one mental disorder, work was expected with regard to navigating mental health in relationships, but our relationship as women faced pressure FROM HER to be perfect. When it got tangled up with his behavior, things just...crashed. Hard, because fluffland isn’t a realistic expectation. I still don’t talk about this much because I’m concerned about stigma surrounding a failed relationship between women. (Disclaimer: I am also genderfluid but raised female, so take that for what it’s worth.)
Heading into my current relationship, I was ducking neurotic about communication and not just assuming things would work out. We may be women but both of us are very human. Messy emotions happen, you know? Mistakes get made and I’m pleased to have the chance to fix them. I expect to be in a relationship with a person, not a caricature of a person that queer women seem to be expected to be.